01/24/2021At Mass this morning, Father's homily really hit home to me. He was talking about the calling of the apostles and how they eagerly followed our Lord.  So eagerly that they got up, followed him then and there, and left their nets behind.  But that eagerness was not a done deal.  Sometimes they had great reluctance.  Poor Peter, the reluctance he had to admit he knew the Lord.  But, in the end, reluctance withdrew and eagerness to spread our Lord’s word stood firm.I can identify with eagerness turned to reluctance. Back in 1998, I was so excited that our Lord was calling me.  I eagerly and childishly shared how our Lord was working in my life.  I wanted to tell the whole world about my wonderful experiences with our Lord.  Not everyone was as excited for me as I was. So many years of conflict and strife and grief that followed. I became reluctant to share myself with anyone. Now, I have that excitement again, but it is a more mature excitement, a more knowledgeable excitement, an excitement with greater understanding.

It is funny that I should introduce my reflections on dreams by first referencing someone else’s dream.  My husband had a dream which I believe was a true gift to me.  He told me that in his dream, he and I were going on a trip and we were at the airport getting ready to go through security. My husband said that I had no luggage and I breezed right through the security station. He, on the other hand, was delayed because he had a backpack.  He was fumbling with the backpack as it went through screening. Shortly after that, my husband said he saw me in a grave in the ground. I was dead. This dream meant so much to me.  I felt like it was a present from our Lord.  If I had had this dream myself, it would not have impacted me as greatly as my husband having been the one to have it. I felt Lord wanted to make sure that I got the message and that I did not need to be afraid I was misinterpreting or over-interpreting, for the dream is no doubt a compliment. I have truly passed a great milestone in detachment. I have truly passed a great milestone in dying to self. I do not mean to say that there are not future great milestones to pass. I just know that I have accomplished a great detachment and great denying of self at this point in my life. It is very difficult to express the great feeling of warmth and deep love in my heart that our Lord would confirm me in this way.

Just a couple of days after my husband told me about his dream, another person told me about a dream she had that I was going to die.  With all this talk about me dying, I had to ask myself:  Am I ready to die? 

The first thing that came to my mind was when I was training for Hospice support.  The trainer walked us through a meditation as if we had been told that we were going to die. Part of the meditation process was to think of everything we wished to say to our loved ones. At that point I saw my children lining up in front of me, oldest to youngest.  I began to explain that my wish was for them to grow in love and trust of our Lord, and to stay close to him.  I got out the first couple words, then interrupted myself saying, hey, you guys already know what I'm going to say.  I've gotta go, our Lord’s waiting for me!  It is not that I want to die, I am just not afraid to die.  I do look forward to being with our Lord in eternity. If I am honest, though, there is a larger part of my heart today, than there was 15 years ago, that longs to be with our Lord.  I felt excitement that perhaps our Lord would call me sooner than later.

I mused with our Lord that there is really no NEED for me to stick around.  My children are grown, and each has a personal love for God, and they walk their journey with him; each in their own personal way.  My husband has a depth of faith and abandonment and humility that I believe few people achieve.  Sure, he might miss my help in the office, but you can always hire office help.  As I was pondering these things in my heart, I really was getting excited that our Lord was preparing me for my journey home to him.

In answer to my musing and ponderings with our Lord, I had a dream:  My husband was rushing me out of the house.  He told me that we were moving, and that we had already gone to settlement at the new house and that we were even already moved in.  I went back to our old house to make sure nothing was left behind and saw that while I had no personal belongings there, the hallways were cluttered. I wanted to clean up the clutter for the new owners.  I knew it would take a while to clean up the clutter, but I no longer had a bed at the house.  It occurred to me that a friend lived close by and I could stay at her house. A moment later I considered the possibility of staying with my mom, but I said, sorry, mom, not now.  I woke up and realized that our Lord was telling me that he was not ready to take me just yet.  He has a mission for me (cleaning up the clutter), and I am stay with the living (the friend) rather than join those in eternal life (my mom).

Although I have a good understanding of dreams, especially in their spiritual context, don’t let that fool you into thinking I don’t make mistakes.  I would be remiss if I did not share a horrible mistake that I made that has to do with my dreams.  One of the most regrettable things I have done in my entire life was because of a dream.  But first a little background.

In 1998, when I was in the confessional, a priest asked me how long I had been receiving messages from our Lord. Ha, I had no idea I was receiving messages!  I knew strange things happened in my life, but I would never have attributed them to God giving me messages. The priest told me to read Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila.  I poured through the book, amazed because I recognized my own experiences detailed in that book. I think at that time, I had only experienced the first 5 mansions. I was able to read an explanation about the things that were happening to me.  My experiences were real, recognized happenings that other people had experienced.  

The priest asked me to join a prayer group for people experiencing extra-ordinary experiences.  (I should have known better because I am very ordinary and not the “extra” ordinary type.)  Within a short time, the priest had me “delivering” my messages. To make a Long story short, those were some very disastrous times for me.  I had to remove myself from the prayer group. 

After leaving the group, I was fortunate to be put in contact with a priest at the Carmelite Monastery who was one of the priests who translated Teresa of Avila’s writings.  His direction was that I could share my understandings about a person if that person specifically asked me to share them. 

The regrettable thing:  My mother was one of my confidants and she repeatedly insisted that I should share with her any understandings I had about her. In a dream, I was shown a calendar with October 22nd and I understood that it had to do with my mother’s death.  I shared the dream with my mother.  If only I had been wise enough to keep my mouth shut, for when I told my mother about the dream, she was shocked and deeply disturbed.  I caused her a true trial. Later, I had a fuller understanding that she would not die right away, but that she would suffer much anxiety. At that point, I guess I was at least a little wiser because I told my mother that our Lord told me I was wrong about her dying.  I did not tell her about my fuller understanding of suffering anxiety. 

As much as I blamed myself for the hardship I caused my mother, whom I loved so dearly; she blamed herself for insisting to be told.  She said she read a book by Fr. Groeschel of EWTN about private revelation.  He said, don’t ask someone what they understand through private revelation unless you are willing to hear the answer.  

Although we never discussed it again, she let me know that the date I saw on the calendar was pretty darn close.  After she was diagnosed with cancer, my mom told me that she was able to pinpoint when she first started experiencing symptoms.  She noticed a frog in her throat when she was doing a reading at church in late October, the October of probably five years after I had the dream of October 22nd on the calendar.
Introduction

My Husband and Confidant
